I am so losing my office Oscar pool

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There was an Oscar pool stuck under my office door this morning. It reminded me once again that I have no life.

I have seen none of these movies. None.

I have not seen Atonement. Or Juno, Michael Clayton, No Country for Old Men, There Will Be Blood.

It’s not that these films don’t appeal to me. I would like little more than to pay good money to sit in a darkened theater with a box of greasy popcorn and watch each and every one of them. I loved Ian McEwan’s book, although I found the ending unsatisfaying; I love that the chick who wrote Juno began her writing career blogging about being a stripper (see clip below); I adore a good legal suspense drama, any Coen brothers film, and I’d watch Daniel Day Lewis reading a phone book in Farsi.

The tragic fact is that I don’t get out. Like, ever. Not even to rent DVDs. If it’s on HBO or TimeWarnerâ„¢ Pay-Per-View, there’s a chance. If we’re not too tired. And the kid is asleep. And we’ve plowed through everything else on our TimeWarnerâ„¢ DVR.

Best Actor: let’s see. I did see Viggo Mortensen in Eastern Promises (on pay-per-view). I thought he pulled off the best totally naked knife fight scene in a bathhouse that I’ve ever seen. Although I have to say I could have lived a long and happy life never having seen Prince Aragorn’s wee wee.

Best Actress: Elizabeth? Nope. Away From Her? Nah. La Vie en Rose, The Savages, Juno? Nyet, nein and non.

The last time I was in a cinema was two weekends ago, for a 10 a.m. showing of The Care Bears: Grumpy Bear Adventure. It was so bad even my three-year-old asked to leave. I definitely don’t see that on the list, not even under animated features. Speaking of which, I have not seen Persepolis or Surf’s Up. I did see Ratatouille on the 16-hour flight from Japan, but I’m fairly certain I did not experience it fully on the three-inch screen.

What they don’t tell you when you have children is that parents should expect a three- to 18-year hiatus from serious cinema participation. When I look back upon the timeline of my life, it will be marked by the gaping holes in my movie knowledge post-children. But, you know, it’s not all bad. My knowledge of Teletubbies has ratcheted way up.

I think I’ll be sitting out the Oscar pool this year. But in 2016, man, watch out.