Finally, Services to E-mail Friends and Tend Pets When Jesus Welcomes You to Heaven Just Before Armageddon

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Rapture: It’s not only an influential ’80s song by Blondie that helped introduce rap to the masses. It’s also believed to be the moment when the born-again faithful are taken up to heaven by Jesus, just before the second coming and Judgment Day (in the religious sense, expected by some to occur on May 21, 2011, not to be confused with “The Terminator” sequel). And now, there are services that, for a price, will tend to the post-rapture business of those recently united with God in the skies. These services include retrieving and taking care of pets, and sending e-mails to family and friends still left on earth.

The LA Times has uncovered services such as You’ve Been Left Behind, which—at least before it lost incorporation status in the state of Massachusetts—was charging $14.95 for a bundle of services that includes 250 MB of document storage and post-rapture messages sent to as many as 62 different e-mail addresses.

Among other things, you might be wondering whether or not the Internet will be functional once the end of days commences. The site’s FAQ section handles that one:

A: I do believe that the Internet will be up and running. There may be some localized temporary outages. Today the entire global economic and commerce system is completely dependant on the Internet to function. They will keep it working. There is also huge redundancy and overlap in the system. A message keep trying pathways and services until it is delivered. Most of the net is buried underground. Eventually God will take it down, as he destroys the World system that has been built up by a people trying to do it all without him. That won’t be until the second half of the tribulation though.

Another service highlighted in the LA Times story is Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, which bills itself as “the next best thing to pet salvation in a Post Rapture World.” The service is run by animal-loving atheists, which might seem problematic at first, but actually works out perfectly: If you’re a non-believer, you’ll definitely be left behind. This services FAQ page also handles pressing queries such as:

Q: How do you ensure your representatives won’t be Raptured.

A: Actually, we don’t ensure it, they do. Each of our representatives has stated to us in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God / Jesus, and that they have blasphemed in accordance with
Mark 3:29, negating any chance of salvation.


Q: Is this a Joke?

A: No. This is a serious offer to our Christian friends who believe in the Second Coming and honestly care about the future of their pets after the Rapture occurs.

As for the services provided, a one-time payment of $135 …

will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved. Each additional pet at your residence will be saved for an additional $20.00 fee. A small price to pay for your peace of mind and the health and safety of your four legged and feathered friends.

In a no-less entrepreneurial spirit, a Craigslist poster recently made a request, asking for any stuff left behind by people “attending the rapture” due to occur this Saturday, May 21.

What Would Jesus Buy?