Best gifts for Mother’s Day

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On Sunday morning, I got:

• to sleep in;
• a dozen red roses;
• a card featuring a drawing of a mama rabbit vacuuming raisins from the carp—hey, those aren’t raisins!
• a message inside the card from my three-year-old featuring noun, verb and accurate punctuation;
• a big box of Godiva truffles.

I’m not sure how it came to be that moms across America receive this standard—if lovely—lineup of gifts on Mother’s Day. As for what moms actually want, Parenting magazine polled readers on its website and found that 72% want “a self-cleaning house” (those raisins don’t vacuum themselves).

Too bad dads think different. Check out this list of Top 10 Mother’s Day gifts, according to Perfume? A heart pendant from Macy’s? A Monet print? What am I, a decor-challenged undergrad in a cinderblock dorm room? No. 2 is a watch, and No. 1: diamond earrings.

Fellas…seriously. We can buy our own earrings. Just scrub the lasagne pan, and we’re yours for another year.