Fortune says I should work at Google

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Fortune, our sister magazine, just came out with its annual list of the 100 best companies to work for (check out its dazzling web treatment, then buy the Feb. 4 issue, you cheapskate). Google is its top employer, and yes, it’s like deja vu all over again: they ranked #1 last year, too.

What makes Google great? Watch this video, if you can (the audio was all scratchy on my player). The short answer is: great pay; awesome perks; room and incentive to grow.

I’m a little sick of all the gushing over Google. So your cafeteria features gourmet cuisine for free and you get chauffered to work on a company-owned shuttle bus with WiFi. So your stock is at $700 and your retirement is already financed at 28. So your boss is the Angel Gabriel and your company-provided iPhone is made of diamonds.

Enough. I want to know: how can I work there?

Getting a job at Google presents some immediate problems for me, the first among them being that all I know about computers is how to turn them on and off, and sometimes I get that part wrong. The closest I get to code is the gobbledygook that shows up while formatting my blog. What could I offer of value to the greatest, most selective employer in Silicon Valley?

Fortune offers some helpful hints:

These cool job openings aren’t just for techies. Are you an animal health expert? Lawyer? Submarine cable negotiator? Time to send your resume.

Hmm. I’m not much of an animal person, let alone a vet. I didn’t go to law school, opting instead for the much more practical and lucrative profession of writing. Submarine—what? I keep going down the list and see this: Director of Other.

I could do that! I am, if anything, the master of other! I don’t know much, but everything I do know can be categorized under “other”! Here’s the job description, via Fortune:

Google is known for collecting experts in any field it wants. It already has on staff a chief economist, a former bullfight promoter and an epidemiologist who helped eradicate smallpox. Now it’s looking for an expert in “other.” That’s Googlespeak for the last part of the company’s famous 70/20/10 work ethic, whereby employees spend 70 percent of their time on the core business, 20 percent on related projects, and 10 percent on other projects of their own initiative. Coding in Java isn’t a requirement, but you must be a successful “inventor and builder.”

So if I understand correctly, 100% of my time would be spent directing everybody else’s 10% of downtime.

Google, I hereby submit myself for this job opening. I am an inventor of ideas, a builder of dreams. Plus I really like free cafeteria food. Hire me.