I’ve been in the office a lot in 2008—yes, the whole week of it—because I’m closing a couple stories. It’s kind of nice to be back, actually. Don’t get me wrong; I’m still a rabid advocate of results-oriented, flexible work. I still think a mobile workforce is the way of the near future.
But I also know for certain that by being physically absent from the office, one misses out on some very, very important workplace information. I daresay this information is so vital that it argues for a more regular presence at work. By information, of course, I mean gossip.
Here’s what I missed, and why it matters:
1. The law guy left. In October. The high-profile hire who wrote about legal matters left the magazine months ago. I was wondering (obviously not hard enough) why I wasn’t seeing his bylines anymore. This is important info because I need to know who and what is in and out at my workplace. And also because I need a TV, and the one in his old office is probably claimed by now.
2. Despite our official hiring freeze, we are apparently hiring like mad. There are at least three new people on staff that I’ve never actually met. (And that’s not even counting TIME.com, our ‘shrooming web side.) Now, in my defense, many of my office-bound colleagues haven’t met these new kids, either; there was never to my knowledge a memo announcing their hiring, or a meet-and-greet “pour” (the liquored staff gatherings TIME was famous for once upon a fiscally healthier time). It’s obviously important for me to know who my colleagues are, where they sit and if they have any good snacks.
3. A colleague got married. Make that three. Research shows that workers are more productive when they’re happy, and that they’re happy when they’re friendly with coworkers. I don’t need to be best buds with my colleagues, but I should at least know about their major life changes, for cripe’s sake.
4. Another got pregnant. Make that three. Ditto above.
5. Another took one high-profile promotion instead of the one I thought he’d already taken. Over the past year and a half, many of the colleagues who shared my title have leapfrogged to the nosebleed regions of the masthead. It’s important to know about the advancement of my colleagues to better feed my self pity. Seriously, I figure only good things can happen when people I know and like get ahead. Now I can ask them for favors.
6. I really have to clean out my snack drawer. Okay, that’s not gossip. But it may be soon. In my resolute attempt to eat or toss my snacks, I opened a Bumblebee Sensations Seasoned Tuna Medley with Crackers. Listen, you people at Bumblebee: if you market a snack as appropriate for office-snacking, at least mention it’ll make my office smell like cat food.
Work-at-homers: what whoppers did you miss being out of the office?